Hilarious if literal: arms race
You Might Also Like
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.