I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.