me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes