[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When your man makes a valid point
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.