Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Cheers Twitter.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter