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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.