Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”