Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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concern
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]