butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!