Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing