Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?