All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
How your email finds me
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I wish I could veto my bills.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
God has abandoned us.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”