My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.