The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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somebody come look at this
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
not to brag, but mine was free
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Covid like
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED