Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.