“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting