me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
You Might Also Like
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.