3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on