[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Reporter: *ports again*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon