my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon