me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Is this a threat?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.