*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk