ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Spa day..😅
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.