I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%