*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.