nobody’s gonna understand
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Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Monday
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.