Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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Meanwhile in Portland…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
This one’s “Alex”.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay