Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*