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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I hate my earbuds.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
you gotta be faster
I’m Sold!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*