Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.