I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.