-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.