Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You Might Also Like
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils