Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.