Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.