A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
This is my emotional support knife.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.