Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Möther may I have a snäck
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare