Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Born to be mild.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.