(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“and how does that make you feel?”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.