“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Skills
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]