Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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Shoo shoo! 😂
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Comparing yourself to others
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.