Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi