My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.