A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Best mom ever 😂
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.