my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me irl
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy