Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.