The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.