I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.