I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.