I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*